The New Year so far

I noticed that I haven't posted anything yet this year.

Hmm, I feel like I'm on holiday. All I did today was watch Heroes, sleep and eat. Ah, the good life.

It feels like there isn't enough time (then again, there never is). I want to do nothing and relax, go out, have fun and study all at the same time.

I think I need to try harder to have fun. I've been feeling stressed out lately.

It's amazing how dependent I am on my girlfriend (although she has no idea).

I sat down and thought today. 'No man is an island' made me smile when it crossed my mind.

I think too much.

Sometimes, I think I am mad. Not in the irrational dangerous way, but in the irrational overachieving way. Only some people know this side of me (insert dramatic music).

Most friends know me as a carefree, easygoing guy who loves anything that pleasures the senses. . . which I am most of the time.

Then there's another side of me that endlessly plans for a multitude of eventualities and obsesses over the most trivial of details.

I think I've developed a personality that is selectively perfectionistic, if there is such a word.

When I do something I like, I throw myself into it, trying to apply every previous learning experience I have into the present, whilst coming up with new solutions and trying to analyse my actions in parallel. An exhausting habit, but one I cannot resist, even if only for the mental challenge.

The times when I'm not like that, however, I become an art loving, romantic, food crazy, sweet talking guy.

I find myself curious. These two contrasting sides of me have existed since my first memories. In one, I am self-serving and ruthless, in another, I am kind, caring and selfless.

About the perfectionist side, I entertain the possibility that it exists for the most common reason, to give myself comfort in doing things exactly as I like them . . . then again I entertain other possibilities. I confuse myself.

However, I have often been told that it was my nature to be generous and concerned, worried even, of other people. I truly believe them, but I can also think of examples when I was far less than virtuous.

Perhaps this discussion in my head is meaningless. I was never meant to merge these two sides into one, allow both to exist and using which ever side served my needs or conscience. Or perhaps I am young, impressionable, inexperienced and confused by the many paths that too much thinking has shown to me.

Perhaps there is only one best way to do things all the time, and I lack the conviction to do it. Principles, I think it is called. Oh, how difficult this concept of principles is to adhere to.

Principles. I imagine that it's made just to satisfy that annoying thing call conscience.

Perhaps I just need to chill and let things happen naturally.