Choices

For an extremely stubborn guy with a huge ego, I can be very indecisive . . . sometimes.

Doing stuff that makes me happy, and that leaves happy memories have always been things that I did. But in my wiser (older) mind, I realise I can't have it all, as much as I deny it.

Some lines cannot be crossed . . . they can't . . . they just can't . . . I tell myself, all the while knowing that the best (and worst) things in my life happened because I crossed the very lines I set for myself.

Aha.

I just found the answer.

Haha, it's reasons like this that I have a blog.

Looking back, I had some of the best fun in my life breaking the rules I set for myself. Realising that I didn't need them lead me to unimagined freedom. Freedom of consience. It's an amazing feeling. It makes me laugh out loud. I did get into trouble sometimes though, but I'll do it all over again.

I used to do things one day that would scare the 'me' of the day before. What fun times. I just though, "What great times . . . but is it really past?". What if I can always be like this, but I allowed myself to become dull and boring? I remember lying on my bed at night, feeling surprised, amazed, excited at the person I was becoming.

Haha, turning nostalgia into drive . . .
Having come a long way is a bad excuse for slowing down.

Falling, I learnt to put my head up to take in the wind and watch the trees over zoom by, allowing myself to fall faster and faster. Brakes are for safety, not fear. There's a big difference and that's the answer I'm looking for.

Haha, it's all clear now. I'm not walking with my bike down the hill . . . but I'm not going to crash either. Not if I can do anything about it.

The voices calling out on both sides, telling me to slow down . . . they see the arrogance and speak out of concern, fearing I forgot my fear. My ego refuses to show them my worry. Our worry.

Why have a bike in the first place?

I shouldn't ignore the 'me' of yesterday cheering me on.

I'm not done yet.